Marc Peyser

My stream-of-consciousness Oscar timeline:

Weird the way they make them all come out and stand on stage. They look miserable. I feel like I’m watching the Miss America Pageant and they’re going to break into a cheesy production number.

Gabby rules!

NPH—Ah, the production number. This song is horrendous, and NPH, who I know can sing, is singing in the key of horrendous.

Alec and Steve Show—nice timing. Steve is great. Feels like a Smothers Bros. routine, and I mean that in the best way. Poor Alec is giving all the sappy, isn’t-he-wonderful lines. Is Helen Mirren afraid to laugh? Maybe too much botox?

This calling out to the people in the audience goes on a bit too long. I’m ready for them to call out to head usher soon.

Un-PC jokes: race relations, Hitler memorabilia, drugs. Jews.

Question—Kathryn Bigelow is soooo gorgeous. Do you think she’d be where she is if she wasn’t? I mean, can you think of any great male directors who are gorgeous?

Best supporting actor—these are the longest clips in history. They already got their nominations—does the Academy think they’ve got to prove their choices?

What in the world is Christoph Waltz saying?

Why is Ryan Reynolds standing on that weird platform in the back of the audience? Bad enough that he thinks he’s delivering a dramatic monologue about The Blind Side. I fee like he’s about to tell us to stay tuned for this message from Maalox. And why does the clip including almost no one BUT Sandra Bullock? She did have co-stars—and none of them were nominated for anything. Sandy will get her screen time.

The Barbara Walters shorts introducing that animated movies was so clever—it reminds me all over again how much more enjoyable animated films are than the ones with real people. Who needs actors? Even Up director Pete Docter’s speech was classy.

Amanda Seyfred and Miley Cyrus—what in the world are they wearing? Did someone tell them they were going to a Cotillion? I hope their careers are as long as the trains on their dresses.

Isn’t it kind of mean to have Star Wars stud Chris Pine introduce District 9?

Presenter fashion faux pas No. 1: She Tina, me Jane.

What is Mark Boal doing to his Oscar? Don’t they tell nominees not to, um, massage the stiff golden man so lasciviously?

Whose hair is Molly Ringwald wearing? Clearly, she is wearing Tina Fey’s Tarzan dress, dyed royal blue.

Judd Nelson lives! Though I have to say that this mega-tribute to John Hughes is a little bit much, no? I mean, he wasn’t Hitchcock. I can’t remember a tribute to one director that was this involved. It’s almost embarrassing.

(Sarah Ball—did you start crying the INSTANT the Up music started playing? I did.)

One hour, one major award. Just saying.

Why do the short films always look more interesting than the full-length ones? Just asking.

Still as a Navi—brilliant. Anyone who can get a laugh for just saying “The nominees for best makeup…” is a genius. The way he mocked that silly Avatar language, too. If Lorne Michaels ever retires from SNL (which of course he never will), Ben Stiller needs to take over the show. Even his hands are blue!

Why are they making Jeff Bridges stand in The Light At the Back of the Theater? Isn’t that what the consolation prize for actors who didn’t get a nomination?

Rachel McAdams has joined the Cotillion Dress Brigade! The material is pretty—she must have bought the entire bolt.

Precious adapted screenplay—the first surprise of the evening. Of course Up in the Air probably won’t win anything now, although the writer gave one of the most heartfelt acceptance speeches I’ve heard in a while. And then Steve Martin says, “I wrote that speech for him.” Love him.

Robin Williams is so naughty.

hour and a half—second major award. Great acceptance speech, Mo’nique.

Um, is Sigourney Weaver’s dress see-through? Also, I hate when they have a catagory introduced by someone in the movie—always a giveaway.

I love how they keep playing the Twilight music while Kristin Stewart and Taylor Lautner are talking. The academy must have known how petrified they’d sound. I guess they were just acting along with the soundtrack.

Is is just me, or did the albino-looking guy who won for sound editing for Hurt Locker look like he was left over from the horror movie montage?

I’m sorry, but I have no idea who Elizabeth Banks is. And they introduced her like she was going to be Sophia Loren or something.

I’m guessing that they realized that the show was running way long when they didn’t show any clip for best cinematography, but of all the categories, isn’t that the on you really WANT to see clips for?

Demi Moore? Really? Why? Because she’s such a paragon of acting? Wait—she’s introducing the obituary section, so maybe it’s an allusion to how dead her career is.

Awesome—how long has it been since one of those whirling, silly, impenetrable interpretive dances performed to the dulcet tones of the best score nominees? Debbie Allen—eat your heart out.

Who is Penelope Cruz’s date? No one interesting, right? That must be why they almost cut him out of the frame every time they cut to her. Better luck next year, Mr. Bardem.

11:10—I’m officially bored. Please don’t make go on for another whole hour.

OK, Kathy Bates standing on the Spotlight Podium introducing Avatar is the most ridiculous part of all. Why? WHY? And now that I think of it, why was Avatar introduced last? It should come first alphabetically, which is how they do the nominations. I wonder if they’re trying to tell us something, building up the suspense?

Oh, god, it’s the gangbang intro again for the Best Actor nominees. Very sweet, Michelle, but well it goes on a bit, no? Also, by the time Vera Farmiga starts her well-written schpiel, it feels like some kind of monologue contest, like they’re all auditioning for the same part or something. Also, the creeping closeup of the nominees themselves is, well, creepy. I feel like the camera is going to go up Colin Firth’s nose. And why is Julianne Moore introducing Colin Firth if they only worked together for 3 days? Considering all the others, it makes it feel like poor Colin doesn’t have a single friend in Hollywood. In which case—good for him. Outsiders rule the world, don’t they?

Sean Penn showed up. I half expected him to blow the whole thing off. And maybe he should have, considering I have no idea what he was talking about.

God, did Sandra write any of her speech? Cause she was pretty amazing. Even I want to see if she’s a good kisser after that

OK, now we’ve got Barbra doing the Best Director award—gee, I wonder what will happen? This sucks in a few levels, not the least because it robs the moment of whatever miniscule drama it had. Also, it elevates Streisand to a place that implies she was a director who deserved to be nominated, which she wasn’t. And would the orchestra have played I Am Woman if Jim Cameron was going to win? Feh.

I wondered what they would do about reading all those names for Best Picture. They should learn to cut the pro forma crap more often.